Trapped in the iron-like grip of a Derr Kommissar David Stern imposed lockout, where NBA executives can neither talk about or talk to an NBA player, the intrepid writers of Chasing 23 are forced to come up with more arcane and esoteric topics to grab the attention of our moderately intelligent readership.
I’d like to regale our readership with the PER rankings for the Turkish Premier Basketball League, and where NBA superstar Deron Williams would fit in, but I’m sure the Turkish version of John Hollinger would have a better handle on that than me.
Shaquille O’Neal has been named by a former hanger-on, Richard Ross, as having directed Ross to kill a member of the Downtown Gangster Crips, whack a woman that O’Neal had allegedly impregnated and then paid for her abortion, deep six a record producer and to break an NBA player’s shooting arm. If Nancy Grace hops on this we could see some sparks, but Richard Ross has all the credibility of a guy who lost his paycheck and is seeking a little cash from the Big Leprechaun to make this disappear.
The New Jersey Nets have unveiled an off-season slogan that triumphantly declares, “We Are Here For You: Jersey Strong, Brooklyn Ready.” Nets fans have enough problems, and this slogan can only cause schizophrenia amongst its hardcore fan base, which is located in New Jersey or Brooklyn. Based on attendance figures, that fan base in not located in New Jersey or Brooklyn, but may be found in Mikhail Prokhorov’s hometown of Moscow.
Minnesota Timberwolves President David Kahn is rumored to be interested in hiring Don Nelson to replace the recently dismissed Kurt Rambis, which translates into Kahn having no aspirations of winning an NBA title. David Kahn is beginning to usurp Los Angeles Clippers owner Donald Sterling as the most mocked man in the NBA – and that isn’t easy to do.
This is all fairly entertaining, but Chasing 23’s readership deserves more than an NBA-style TMZ report from Dave Sheridan, so I have decided to design the ultimate NBA player, because I have the time, and Oscar Goldman is unavailable. I don’t have the technology, or the brain power to really accomplish this, but that’s why the Internet is great because I can fake it.
Sheridan’s Ultimate NBA Player
Magic Johnson’s Left Eye – It’s debatable whether any NBA player has been known for having better court vision than Earvin Johnson. If you want to argue for Bob Cousy’s left eye, I’m not going to fight on you on that, but being 6’9” allowed Magic to see more of the court than Cousy at 6’1”.
Steve Nash’s Right Eye – Nash can finish deftly with his left hand making his right eye his strongest, which some ophthalmologist will argue against, but think about the possibilities of a player with Magic and Nash’s court vision. Showtime meets Seven Seconds or Less and that means beaucoup baskets.
Michael Ray Richardson’s Nose – If I were going to do a lot of blow, and I wanted to still play at a high level, I would want Michael
Ray Richardson’s nose.
Tree Rollins’ Teeth – Looking to nosh on an NBA player’s finger for a mid-game sausage snack, Tree’s bicuspids are your best bet.
Michael Jordan’s Tongue – Can you imagine how much pussy that tongue has experienced? (Sorry, this is an NBA blog. My bad.) Has any stats geek counted the amount of times that MJ stuck out his tongue through the course of an average game?
Ron Artest’s Ears - Artest is still hearing guys dissing him from the Queensbridge Projects.
Chris Andersen’s Hair – The Denver Nuggets’ Birdman sets the bar for the NBA’s ultimate hair. This is no Beckham faux hawk. The Birdman is his own man.
Bill Walton’s Ponytail – Pairing The Birdman’s stratospheric Mohawk with the Big Redhead’s ponytail might be a tad controversial, and something out of James Cameron’s “Avatar”, but the look would sweep the playgrounds of America. Not that many kids ball in playgrounds anymore, but the look would spawn a new punk/Deadhead counterculture.
Kevin Willis’s Chest – What’s wrong with looking good? Kevin Willis was jacked.
Karl Malone’s Arms – Looking to bludgeon someone, like Isiah Thomas, swing a Karl Malone python at the guy.
Bill Cartwright’s Elbows – These things were made of titanium, and Mr. Bill had the bad habit of cracking people with these high impact concussion grenades.
Chris Paul’s Hands – CP3’s hands are quick like a thief’s, and with his quick reflexes, he is able to dish dimes as if they were Chinese throwing stars.
George Gervin’s Fingers – The Iceman with the … oh … so sweet finger roll.
Dwight Howard’s Abs – Got to throw the guy a bone for his colossal upper body.
Wilt Chamberlain’s Shlong – The Big Dipper claimed that he slept with 20,000 women. That thing was a workhorse. No wonder he couldn’t beat Russell – he was up every night trying to beat Genghis Khan’s world record for conquests.
Charles Barkley’s Ass – It was ample, powerful and enabled him to grab a lot of rebounds. Sir Charles grabs the ass award.
Julius Erving’s Legs – Before there was a Magic or a Larry, there was the Doctor. Dr. J started to put the NBA on the map, and it was his soaring forays through the lane that captured our imaginations and created the legend of Dr. J.
Reggie Miller’s Feet – Cheryl patented the kick out the jams/legs/feet move that NBA refs bought – allowing Miller how many free throw attempts?
Larry Bird’s Brain – Bird’s brain made his mouth move, and Larry Legend is considered one of the game’s greatest trash talkers. (Before anyone wants to play the race card, stating that the white guy had to put a white player as the brain – there are plenty of intelligent players – but this is the place I decided to out Larry Bird. I could have put Jordan here. Magic works. Reggie Miller wouldn’t have been a bad choice as well.)
Michael Jordan’s Heart – 6 Rings.